We often like to envision celebrities as whatever idealized notion has been applied to them either by the public, or their own slick marketers. That’s why we believed (for a little while) that Britney Spears was a virgin, the Jonas Brothers will not have sex before marriage and Ryan Seacrest isn’t a total douchebag in real life. But the truth is that celebrities are incredibly attractive people that have been granted an unearned sense of near-godhood in the American pantheon. That is to say, they have lots and lots of sex. In fact, experts have estimated that 123% of celebrities have at least one STD (Heidi Montag was counted twice). Here are some notable examples of the ones who have been unable to keep a secret.
This may come as a surprise, but Paris Hilton is kind of a skeezy ho. Trip reports from sleeping with her often run a very narrow range from “grease and filth” to “like banging a trash bag full of oiled washers”. This is why it is so utterly shocking that this vestal angel would have contracted an STD. After all, it’s not like she’s not known for things other than her sex tape.
The interesting thing about Paris Hilton is that, despite the certainty you might have in your mind, there’s actually physical evidence to back this rumor up. After falling behind in payments on an apartment, her possessions were seized. When she tried to pull the “Oh that Valtrex was for a friend” defense that worked so well with her recent cocaine possession, tabloids uncovered written instructions from a doctor for the proper medicinal usage. Paris reportedly then simply shrugged and began thinking about how much people would pay for pictures of it.
Quick, name a comedian whose name doesn’t begin with “Jeff” that your parents might talk about at church. Assuming you’re over the age of 10, Robin Williams probably popped up in a lot of your minds. Best known nowadays for smarmy, simplistically optimistic roles such as Patch Adams, it’s hard to remember that there was a point at which Robin Williams was kind of cool (and therefore got laid and caught the Herp). Back in the 80s, Williams was something of a Russel Brand of his day, though he certainly didn’t make out nearly as well as Katy Perry in his first marriage.
So often STDs strike with a randomness and undiscriminating nature surpassed only by your taste in hookups at three in the morning. So it’s nice to hear that the canine-abusing, general douche-baggery having Michael Vick not only contracted Herpes, but was sued for infecting at least one other woman without telling her. As if another embarrassing kicker was needed, during the trial it came out that while getting tested, Vick used the alias Ron Mexico, which sounds like a name he created after playing a “Find your pornstar name” game.
While it is tempting for men everywhere to look at female celebrities and write them off as STD-ridden whores to compensate for the fact that most of will never, ever, sleep with someone that hot, the truth is much more depressing. If you trace the lines of Herpes through Hollywood, it almost always comes back to some incredibly promiscuous douche bag. In Jessica Alba’s case, this was boyfriend Derek Jeter. So while your fantasies of Jessica Alba might be ruined, at least now you have that many more reasons to kill Derek Jeter.
Okay so he’s not technically a celebrity, but Scarface is a perfect example of how too much philandering can destroy a career that even the federal government couldn’t touch. Plus, when dealing with all these bimbos, we could use a little education up in this bitch.
Well known as the mob boss that virtually ran Chicago during Prohibition, Al Capone became rich and famous off of sales of illegal alcohol. Despite his balding, doughy disposition, Capone managed several speakeasy back room liaisons. He evaded federal prosecution for several years, finally being brought down for not paying his income tax. It was a relatively light sentence, and it wouldn’t be long, everyone thought, before Capone was back out ruling Chicago. That was until it was revealed that he had late-stage syphilis (then incurable). Thanks to his amorous ways with too many broads in the city of broad shoulders, by the time he was out of prison his health was in severe physical decline.
In the 80s, when “safe sex” was some newfangled health craze that only granola-munching Californians paid any attention to, every celebrity you loved as a child was banging everything in sight. It was a twilight era when many STDs and rampant stupidity were on the rise.
This is to say that if you were a celebrity 30 years ago, you have something. That includes the David Hasselhoff, who has genital herpes. Now that all your Baywatch fantasies have been ruined maybe you can leave that terrible decade. Except for Germany, who, for all we know, probably likes Hasselhoff even more after learning this.
Odds are you saw Justin Bieber up there and several thoughts raced through your head, most of which could get you arrested/condemned to the seventh circle of hell. Fans speculate that the Bieb contracted syphillis from Kim Kardashian during their recent “We let you think it was a joke but it wasn’t” photo shoots. Or possibly an older celebrity (who was big in the 80s) seduced him with her superior feminine wiles. Perhaps he is just young and unable to properly handle his sudden popularity.
Okay in the interest of full disclosure, this is really just a pervasive rumor with little to no substantiating facts. Still, the fact that enough people were willing to believe that a 16-year-old child had syphillis that the phrase “Justin Bieber syphilis” made it the top search result on Google for a brief period says a lot about both what Americans are willing to believe about their celebrities, and the lows celebrities have conditioned Americans to expect.
While the revelation of an STD often results in recrimination, slander and a healthy dose of public schadenfreude, there are a few rare cases when things actually turn out alright (er that is, for everyone but the celebrity). Magic Johnson was presumably working up a Wilt Chamberlain-level of promiscuity in the 80s (and, honestly, who wasn’t?) but was tragically diagnosed with HIV.
He went public with the disease in the early 90s, and became a figurehead for public acceptance of the disease. Today he is still leading a healthy life, and works tirelessly for the benefit of those suffering from HIV/AIDS. The only real down side to all this is uncreative comedy writers can no longer in good conscience make a joke about his Magic Johnson.
Best known for her role as the androgynous Pat on Saturday Night Live, you might be surprised to learn that Julia Sweeney is actually attractive in real life and very much capable of having sex (though with which gender we may never know). Unfortunately, she contracted HPV, which led to cervical cancer. Smart money is on that she caught it from Harvey Keitel.
There are many, many ways one might guess Pamela Anderson contracted an STD. Perhaps she got a little too amorous with David Hasselhoff on the set of Baywatch. Maybe she was just famous in the 80s — that in and of itself seems to spawn STDs. But apparently Anderson was cautious enough not to contract anything, that was until she met this man who, let’s be honest, she should have known was crawling with disease. The good news is that Anderson has remained relatively healthy, or to be more precise, the complex system of organs and arteries that maintains Pamela Anderson’s breasts has remained healthy.
One half of the country music hit group The Judds, Naomi was touring and singing in (take a second here to guess…go on, I’ll wait) the 1980s. She contracted Hepatitis C, and subsequently ceased touring to focus on advocacy. Today she heads several groups tasked with raising awareness of and treating Hepatitis C.
Whereas Pamela Anderson decided to swear off humans and their diseases all together to help rename fish sea kittens, Naomi Judd took the classier path and actually did something to help humans. Which, until Chinchilla’s invent a potent anti-retroviral drug, seems like the smarter option.
Vocal fame-whoring bisexual Kristanna Loken is probably best known for her role as the terminator in Terminator 3: The Rise of the Sexbots. Though she is insanely hot, she made the mistake of starring in an Uwe Boll movie and the absolute mortal sin of dating Uwe Boll.
Because of this, God struck her with boils, blindness, and genital herpes. After this the saints all got together and called God a pussy for inflicting such a moderate sentence, especially in light of the torture everyone who saw Bloodrayne was subjected to.
Well known for defying death on a regular basis, Evel Knievel is a perfect emblem of ballsy Americanism: punching the Grim Reaper in the testicles while giving God the finger. As part of their ongoing duel, the gods struck Evel Knievel with hepatitis C (presumably through a tryst with a skanky waitress – or possibly a blood transfusion). Evel reportedly shotgunned a beer, took a long drag off his cigarette, said “Let’s Do This” and enlisted mankind’s secret god-killing weapon: modern science.
Hepatitis C is centered in the human liver, which over a period of time, it slowly destroys. Evel received a successful liver transplant in a bid to head off the disease. He died on November 30, 2007 from complications of a lung disease and diabetes.
Outrageously popular among grandmas who bought CDs for their Rock n’ Roll loving (and ultimately disappointed) grandsons, and girls who like the soundtrack to Armageddon, Aerosmith was a powerful force of Rock for those with poor taste. Lead singer Steven Tyler had quite a ball back in the day (presumably by tricking women into thinking he was Mick Jagger), but he ended up with Hepatitis C.
Of course when Tyler came public with the wasting disease in 2006, most people who had seen him lately were shocked to discover that this was the only wasting disease Steven Tyler had.
Famous to most Americans over 40 as the star of Deep Throat, Linda Lovelace defined what it was to be a pornstar. From inventing a sex act that’s now pervasive, to inventing the unobtrusive-yet-suggestive pornstar name, you don’t get more closely associated with modern notions of sex than Linda Lovelace. So it’s unsurprising that in an age of unprotected sex and an underground porn industry, that Linda Lovelace would end up infected with Hepatitis C.
Except the really surprising thing is it had nothing to do with sex, Linda actually contracted Hepatitis C from a blood transfusion. While you can dislike her for denouncing pornography profusely later in life, at least the inventor of deep-throat fellatio wasn’t skank.